Wednesday, December 02, 2009

Reflections on a Tuesday morning.

I may be in my thirties, but sometimes, i feel that I am still a carefree swinging young lady in her twenties. Those days were over.. There are days where I had to pep talk myself that it's time for a reality check.. that the 'party days' are over. Certain mistakes committed by a person are less forgivable when it happens in her thirties rather than in her twenties.

After living 3 decades, I am suppose ( by society's standards ) to exhibit maturity and assume certain responsibilities and carry certain commitments on my shoulders.

I dunno if I have the maturity of a person in her thirties..coz I do still say silly things, i still make stupid mistakes ( hey, we are all but humans... everyone makes mistakes :P ) .. I guess I am just tired of watching my back all the time, tired of the various expectations that are put upon me.

When I was growing hard as I tried, I never really excel in my studies. I am what you would call the 'average kid' . I passed all my exams, I did my homework and hand them in on time. I never speak up when teachers scolded me gravely , one even had me on her radar for the whole school year.

At home , there were 'rules' . No tv unless my brother and I have finished our homework. I had to observe bedtime, I had to practice the piano everyday, I had to attend tuition classes whether I like it or not. It was pointless to speak my views as it seemed that my mum never understood or would not have had her authority threaten.

Guess I have never mentioned this here..but we never had a good mother daughter relationship when I was growing up. I cried every time I had to go home after staying over at my grandma's over the weekends ( during my years ) I pleaded with my aunts to let me stay. It was , in my own ways, torturous to be back home , under the watchful eyes of my parents. With all due respect, I owe it to them , without my parents, I ceased to exist. But before you go on forming your impression of what kind of a daughter I am, let me just say that I was brought up by my grandmother. I love those time spent with my uncle( before he got married) , aunts and grandma( I was really young then.. )

My parents loved playing the comparison game. Perhaps you experienced it yourself too. All the endless comparisons made between me and the irritating neighbours, as well as my cousins.. were they even necessary? Who went to a better school, who bought a house.. etc. ( I don't give a damn ) Look, i am not dissing my parents. They provided a decent life for me and my brother. Just that things could have been different.

Okay, i think this is enough for one night. How's your relationship with your mum/parents like? Some parents unfortunately just doesn't know how to show their love to their children ...and somehow comes out the wrong way.


rinaz said...

I think that age is just a number. And you're free to do the things that you love, regardless of your age.

The worst thing is to grow up with no fulfilment in life.

Don't worry about it :-)

Jade said...

I was never close to my parents.. used to be close to my second sister but not much anymore as I grow up..

I wonder why parents like to compare. Maybe they can't help it, but it's obvious that it's just no good :/

Eileen. 静 said...

thanks Marina. i think sometimes i am just afraid of how others will see me..

at the end of the day..i just wanna be happy:)

Jade dear.. yes, seems that a lot of parents love to compare.. it's a matter of pride n ego at times :P