Sunday, March 01, 2009

Are you a doormat?

I have to admit.. I do find it hard to say 'no' at times. It's quite an art when it comes to telling someone no or sure, let me finish this first, then I'll help you ( when the person kept pressing you to do his things ).

Sometimes we felt obliged to help as it is someone we have known for years asking us to. It may not be something difficult , but yet, you just don't feel like doing it, or felt that the person can do it herself. Have you been in this position? I have.

Or how about when you just wanna go shop at a certain , yet your friend kept pushing her luck and tries to cajole you to shop at another store? There were times when I just gave in and go with what friends want just to avoid the ugly mess and at the end of the day, I felt horrible with myself for not standing up for myself.

No means no, sometimes people don't hear it. But it's just a two letter word..which part of NO is that difficult to understand?

I found an article on the web.. just thought of sharing with you here.. we should all learn not to be a doormat...don't let our bosses, our friends, people we love walk all over us ...we can't be givers all the time!

How not to be a Doormat - In Relationships, Friendships and At Work

Step 1

Are you always giving?
Are you always mad at yourself because you get stuck doing the assignments no one else wants?
Do you never hear the words "Thank You"?
Do you often cry or stuff down your emotions of anger with food?
Are you getting anything out of your current relationships?

Evaluate your relationships. See what you're getting out of these and when you are giving too much.


You can make a drastic change, but it is probably best to take small steps.

In a relationship - you MUST BE HONEST with your significant other. For example if you work, do all of the housework, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry. Explain that you need some help.

In a friendship - UNDERSTAND WHY you are a friend with this person. Some people are there to take what you have to offer. If it seems this person is there to take from you, your time - or energy - borrowing your clothes - perhaps maintaining this friendship is not important.

At work, study the dynamics of your place at work. Are you working late? weekends? Is someone else taking credit for your performance? In many cases, a boss will take advantage of an employee who is a "doormat".

Find your voice in these relationships, and don't be afraid to speak up for yourself. You don't need to be ugly, or mean - be kind and considerate, but speak in specific terms.

EXAMPLES: Honey, I need your help. I cannot maintain this household without your help. If you would run the vacuum for me and start a load of clothes each day, it would be such a big help.

Friend, I was thinking instead of going to __________ (the place they always choose) can we go to _________ (your favorite place).

Boss, I am so thankful for this opportunity, but I have a list of tasks and I will need your help to prioritize these items. I have been working late each night and feel that I am overwhelmed.

You can do this. To avoid being a doormat, you must find your voice and speak up when you WISH that you would.


Understand why you are a doormat, or people pleaser.

Do you have self-pity?

Do you abuse yourself or self-medicate with drugs or alcohol or food?

This step may require a few honest sit downs with a therapist. Find out why you go beyond a helper to a doormat.


People are not out to get you. They see you being a big help and utilize your skills where needed. It is true, in life - opposites attract. Givers and takers are usually paired together. In some cases, they cannot help but to take advantage of your kindness.

Realize, people are not out to get you, but often - this is an issue you have helped grow. Don't be afraid to note your mistakes and move forward.


Don't talk down to yourself. (One of my pet peeves is when someone says, "I am so stupid.")

Don't sacrifice your time and energy for something you don't enjoy doing. (Other than the things you cannot neglect, home and family.)

Take up exercise - those endorphins will really help your positive energy. You will be doing something special for yourself.

Don't enable or tolerate bad behavior - from your boss, your spouse, a friend. You are worth so much more than that.

It's okay to say, "No" or "Let me think about that."

Saying no won't be easy if you're used to saying yes all the time. But learning to say no is an important part of simplifying your way to a better, less stressful life.

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